Submissive thinking – Part 1

I squirmed involuntarily as the flogger slammed down on my back. It wasn't the heavy impact, (I rather liked the weight of it... The way it almost reverberated in my lungs) but when the lashes would reach around and leave a stinging kiss on the soft flesh round my ribs and thighs, I would grunt and shudder a bit. Still, even though not a masochist, I can't say that it was an unpleasant experience.

Having never been to a play party before, I was invited to a one, by a very sweet and considerate Domme, in order to get a taste of what it was like. There were two Dommes and three subs, (including me) there. The company was grand! There was fun and lively conversation among us and a dinner, prepared, served, and cleaned up after by us subs. I couldn't have hoped for a better evening and even though I was given permission to skip out on any of the play that I didn't wish to participate in, I chose not to. I really liked the bondage part a lot but found the bound and blindfolded part a bit scary. A light touch provided more of a start than I thought it would, as I never knew where it was coming from. I won't go into detail here but suffice it to say that I had a good time.

It took a few days for me to really internalize the evening, and in spite of having a good time, and meeting some real nice people, in the end, I decided that what I'd just done was not submission.

In retrospect, the biggest missing element was the lack of any emotional involvement, or investment. The overall effect was as though I was simply playing a role in an elaborate parody of a femdom porn movie. The after dinner play went on for an hour or so and at no time did I feel anything more than interested detachment. It was a cool experiment but nothing more.

For me, submission is not defined be kink, or acts of service. Rather, it is a romantic relationship where the Domme is the one who leads. Quite a simple idea, yet probably much harder than I make it sound. My “job”, so to speak, would be to do those things that would make her happy. Taken to a higher level, it would be to get to know her well enough that I would be able to anticipate her needs in advance and fill them before being asked to do so. I was at a munch a few weeks after that play night and I overheard a very young Domme saying how much she liked to “order boys around”. I could hardly think of a more dismal existence than having a committed relationship with someone who would order me about because it's what she likes to do.

As a submissive, I want to be able to do things that make her smile, laugh, swoon, and feel loved, safe and secure. I want be a reliable a partner who will do her bidding and be the wind beneath her wings. I want to celebrate with her when she's happy, encourage her dreams and aspirations, and comfort her when she is in need. If she has an interest in kink, or desires certain types of service, so be it, and while I do have hard limits, (blood, needles, feces, and such) I would be willing to discuss various types of play and try to push outside of my comfort zone.I can't say that I even have any particular kink list due to having very limited experience with it.

I know that kink plays an important role in many in D/s relationships, but for me it is not essential... Fun perhaps, but nothing to base a relationship on. For me, random play just doesn't do it. Kink, and/or service, of and by themselves, do not mean submission to me. They are tools to be employed as needed, in order to make someone that I am deeply committed to, happy.