For me, the year 2014 ended the same way it began; With a quick, unplanned move, to a new location, that gave very little time in which to acquire housing, and even less for the logistics of the thing. It was almost serendipitous that I was able to stumble across this quiet quiet little 55 and older, mobile home park and the small, cheap place that I eventually moved into. I jumped on it, as soon as I saw it, and within just a few days of sighting it, I was packed up and moved in. I found the place on December 26th and completely ensconced by January 1st, 2015.
This sort of thing has happened before. In fact, I have moved five times In the past ten years, and in spite of the work, expense and inconvenience involved with it, I have always managed to settle into the new routine very quickly and pick up where I left off in my new environment. That is, until this time.
This last move has left me feeling rather unsettled, even after being here for almost five months. This feeling was, at first, very difficult for me to quantify. If I had to call it anything, I think that transient comes closest. It's almost like living in a house of cards, that is trembling in the stuff breeze of reality, ready collapse at any moment. I mentioned it in an email to a friend, and she suggested that as I put work, and effort into my new place, making it it my own, that I would feel better about it. She is right, of course, and yet there is more to it than that.
After thinking on it for awhile, the thing has begun to crystallize in my mind. It is finally hitting home that I have more of my life behind me, than in front of me. Perhaps this is, in part, related to my new environment, because being surrounded by so many retirees, (I hate to think of them as old) I have become acutely aware of the onward press of time. I used to think of the future in stretches of 20 years, and it all seemed to be so far away. Now, I can easily remember things from 20 or more years ago as fairly recent events, and have discovered that the space two decades is really a frightfully short period of time. I am no longer looking to the future. This *IS* the future, and It feels to me like time is growing short.
In addition, whereas other moves have always seemed like I was on my to some new adventure, (even when circumstances spoke to the contrary) this one feels like a move of retrenchment... A reduction in living standards in order to help someone, who is in real need of assistance. After all the years of hard work, this is the position that I find myself in; With retirement age looming and working just as hard as I ever have, there is so little to show for the effort, all the while, staring into the black chasm of an uncertain future. It has become a time of lowered expectations and increasingly limited options.
It was even suggested to me, by one friend, that the best thing to get me "over the hump" would be to "drop everything, party, find a young girl, and fuck like a bunny... ". However, I somehow managed to find that to be a bit of completely worthless "advice". This has nothing to do with recapturing my youth, proving that I "still have it", (not that I ever thought I did) or any other such thing. If anything, just the opposite is happening. I am turning inward and feeling a lot less inclined to want to socialize.
My friends, in the kink community, know me as being a submissive, but the way things sit at the moment even the thought of starting any type of relationship is just not on the table right now.
I fully intend to keep working, planning, and looking at how to best move forward into the future. I'll keep on making the best of what I've got, while grabbing for those little jewels of happiness that I find along the path. As always, I will adapt and try to think of this as yet another new beginning, rather than a last stand.